Dec
4
Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche (They can’t even spell Quiche!)
December 4, 2007 |
And now an oldie but goodie with updates from yours truely:
Real Programmers…
- Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to SPELL quiche! They like Twinkies, Energy Drinks, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Don’t write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can’t do systems programming.
- Don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
- Don’t draw UML. UML is, after all, the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew UML; look how much it did for them.
- Don’t use Java. Java is for wimpy applications programmers.
- Don’t use Maple. Maple is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.
- Don’t use BASIC. In fact no programmers use BASIC after puberty.
- Don’t use PERL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
- Don’t use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
- Don’t use Pascal, BLISS, ADA, or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
- Never work 9 to 5. If any are around at 9 a.m. it’s because they were up all night.
- Don’t play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, though, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
- Don’t like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the “Chief Programmer.”
- Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
- Don’t drive riced up Civics. They prefer BMW’s, Hybrids, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are also highly regarded.
- Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.
- Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won’t allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
- Don’t bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn’t sell it, they don’t eat it. Vending machines don’t sell quiche.
- Author Unknown
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You lost me at…
Don’t use Java. Java is for wimpy applications programmers.
YOU, are a Java programmer for crying-out-loud!
EDIT: I almost wrote something negative about programmers that don’t know Java. I’ll just let the reader use their imagination.